Archive for March, 2008|Monthly archive page

Back Again

Well, I’ve missed my blogging, got too frustrating trying to deal with my dying keyboard, but I miss it too much. Coming towards the end of my treatments from my medicine man. Its been a long strange trip and I have really enjoyed it, he will start seeing me once a week now for a while. In the meantime he has given me many psychic surgeries, many healings, severed many contracts and alerted me to my problem of being the ‘laundry lady’ – I have to live a more balanced life essentially. He wants me to go to a catholic church and speak with Mother Mary, this is pretty alien to me, being Methodist to begin with and not sure I’m even affiliated there. However what he does “feels” right with me. Its a change from getting pills anyway and I feel I want to pursue this further. Meanwhile I am following his advice to use the Budwig Diet (cottage cheese and flax seed oil).

Prognosis

Medicine Man suggests that in a couple of months I ask for reduced chemo and hopefully will be in remission at that time. He didn’t promise anything but I am hopeful too.

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Back to Chemo and My Medicine Man

Well, I’ve had two infusions now of the new chemo mix. Thankfully I seem to be tolerating it well so far, today I saw the acne that they warned me about, is starting on my chin and nose too. But, I’ve only thrown up once this week, thats wonderful. I’ve been drinking my Xango with the mangoneese and fruits, that might be making it easier too.

Wednesday on my last visit to the clinic I got angry again, the first week I was told that I would have a four hour infusion which turned into a five and a half hour infusion, I was pissed. Wednesday I went into the clinic for my one hour infusion, and guess what – all of a sudden my calendar is changed and they have decided that I get a three hour infusion each week. I was displeased but what can I do about it, they are so disorganized. So I sit down and start reading. Some time later I notice that this guy has come into the clinic to deliver some bananas, he does his quite often, but this time he brought someone with him, and it turned out to be Tommy Smothers, of the Smothers Brothers! He was so nice and did a routine with his yoyo that was amazing, his version of a Harley Davidson using the yo yo was something else. It almost made me glad that I stayed there longer. I would tell you more details but the “t” key is broken and it takes me forever to write. I’m cutting and pasting my “t”s now.

Medicine Man Works Well

I have to admit, this is working so much better than I expected. If I described it to you it would sound ridiculous, he does psychic surgery, speaks in tongues, looks into my past lives and more. But, every time I visit him I feel better and better, what more can I say. I will be seeing him for about ten days I think, three days on, one day off. My medicine man is a tax man too so he is hell of busy right now, but still squeezes me in at the end of his day. Bless Him. He tells me that I am paying off too much karma too soon and is trying to turn that around, breaking some contracts I have with people to help them (to my detriment). His talking about past lives is curiously comforting as I can hear here is no doubt in his mind about it. So, I won’t doubt either. He wants me to start using the Budwig diet as of tomorrow (cottage cheese and flax seed oil mix), so I will, because I believe in him and because it actually tases good as well. Darn its hard to type without my ts, so I will end short here.

A Few Days Later

First of all I want to get this website in todays blogg, before I hit the wrong key and delete it, http://www.lazarexfoundation.org/index.php, forget how I found it, I will edit to let you know, but it sounds interesting, I wrote them for more information.

I didn’t mean to stay away from my blogg so long, I really wanted to get back to blogging. But a friend’s brother died, the week after his aunt died, and even worse the brother was found destitute, dead out in the fields. He had always had a problem with alcohol, but I guess no more.

Anyway, I think I needed to be there. So I was. The father still alive to witness his son’s death by alcohol. How sad, how seemingly pointless, and how often this happens. I’d guess in almost every family is one or two like this. The brother was not even as old as I am, so I guess I should count myself lucky. It was a thoughtful time, what can you say to someone who has lost someone, that close, and in this way. It all sounded pretty trite, but I said it anyway. I know everyone did their best, and more than they should have had to.

With all the books I’ve been reading about death I thought I would have more help to offer, but nope. On the drive down I forgot to bring my pain kills and got sick, in Paso Robles I think it was. I hurled for about twenty minutes, I believe it was the snickers bar I ate. After that I just lay down for the rest of the night. I was out of it. Thats it thought, my body is now a temple and no more junk, it doesn’t even taste good.

So, that was that. On the drive back I stopped at Andy’s in Sebastapol and bought a whole bunch of organic nuts, dried fruit, chocolate flavored colostrum, and a little tuna salad mix, which was the most unhealthy thing I bought. Went home and put some of the tuna mix on my crackbread (don’t want much regular bread anymore just this which is way more fun to eat.) Then I mixed up the chocolate colostrum with an organic banana and ate it all.  It was the first thing that I ate today and it went down well. And its been down now for about 2 hours so I think I’m safe.  I feel great anyway, and its wonderful to be back in Guerneville where all is well.

In Support Home Sevices

At my last doctors visit I asked the nurse practitioner about getting a caretaker as I at least would be going to need someone to drive me to and from my chemo and stay around as I went through my reaction to it. Cook some food, try to force me to eat it, something like that, just around the times of the infusions. So I called them up and it must have been meant to be because it went as smoothly as silk, although the process itself will prove to be as slow as molasses.

So, I am to expect a call in two weeks about making an appointment so that they can see my space and then they make the final call on whether I get it or not. I can choose people I know to do the work, that sounded great, they pay $10.50 p.h., not so great but at least something. And, I think they cover up to 70 hours a month.

First In The Next Series of Chemo

Well, here it was, Tuesday and no ignoring it, as soon as I finished my show on KGGV I ran to my car and drove to Santa Rosa trying to tell myself that I was going for something that was good for me (maybe I will be able to do five radio shows instead of just four), but really was frightened, of the nausea that would rack me.

So, I go in, get my blood pulled and sat onto the recliner where I was hooked up and the run down of what was to come was started. Of course first was the pre-pre-meds, then the Erbitux which would take about two hours to drip into me, after the Erbitux was to come something grusome sounding Camptosar with 5FU-LV. Anyway I got nausea about a hour after it all started and threw up, but thankfully everyone got amble warning and no mess was caused. They have this little contraption they give you to hurl into, its a long blue accordian tube which you hold up to your mouth, it works really well. I felt better after that (as well as looking at my vomit and seeing it wasn’t at all black). And the rest of the hours passed by with the only incident being that I became pissed off because I was told the infusion would last 4 hours and instead it took 6-1/2 hours! I got most of the way through that book I mentioned before Initiation (by Elisabeth Haich) and I really like it, much about reincarnation and the nature of spirit. Good stuff to read at any time of your life, but especially for me now.

After Chemo How Will It Affect Me This Time?

I had been told during my 6-1/2 hour visit that the acne that I should expect is going to be a lot more drastic than I am expecting, and not to pop my pimples as they wouldn’t respond like regular pimples and I’ll make a miserable sight of my face. Well, this is going to be special. I drive the 45 minutes home with no problems, no real nausea, feeling comfortable. However I’ve been through this before and knew a sudden stream of vomit could arrive at any minute. I went looking for something to eat and settled on sweet and sour chicken over rice. Don’t know why, I shouldn’t be eating sweet dishes because Cancer loves sugar. Anyway made it through about two or three mouthfuls but couldn’t manage any more, so Simon got to enjoy it. I drank my Xango and made myself comfortable at home, I did take one anti-nausea pill and felt just fine all night long. In the morning I woke at 3 and took one anti-nausea pill, later I woke again at 6, took another anti-nausea pill and went off to do my show, which I enjoyed, perhaps because I felt so much better than I had feared. While I walked back from the station after the show I started feeling strong pains in my side so then I took a pain pill, but that is all and I feel normal, not nauseated and very happy about it.

My Visit To The White Medicine Man

Well, this doesn’t happen everyday, although I might wish it did, because I really enjoyed myself. Today I took the suggestion of a woman I met recently, called Saskia. Saskia rescues dogs, which is how I met her (well, by synchronocity I emailed her about a rental property over a year ago, but only met her in person recently.)

Saskia is a very special woman who has a lot to give and has no problem giving it (mainly to dogs, lucky dogs!). After finding out I had cancer Saskia has offered me many suggestions. One, a book called Initiation (enjoyable because it encompasses reincarnation a theory which is more and more attractive to me these days). Also Saskia told me about someone she knew, who was a financial consultant mainly, but who also did healings.

Well What Do I Have To Lose

Well, nothing at all I say at this point, so yesterday I called up the doctor and talked to him for a few minutes. He was about to leave town for a while so he squeezed me in today. So today at two I started on my journey to his Petaluma office which was indeed full of what looked like financial files all over the place – it reminded me of my life as a legal secretary and the lawyers I had worked for whose files managed to walk all over the office in order to find a space of their own, the whole room ends up being used as a filing area.

Anyway, he sat down with me and explained his history of how he got into healing, and why he only does it part time. He talked of his philosophy of how we all have contracts with our bodies, I may have one saying that I’m to leave this plane of existence in 2008/2009 he said, he was over the course of the treatment going to see if there was one with me and work to see if indeed I sincerely wanted to stay (he didn’t put it that way but it types quicker) and there was nothing disturbing (in his opinion) to leaving early as he believed in reincarnation (he says usually 10-15 years after death), he said that maybe I wanted to leave this plane because the world was going to be so hairy between 2008 and 2018, in that case it would be a wise decision. He said there were many prophesies that these times were not going to be pleasant. However I didn’t follow up on that so I have no tips to give you. But if the economy continues like this I can see lots of little problems coming for sure.

My Spirit Guides

He looked around me and said that I had a lot of spirit guides around me. He asked me for my mums name and description, he saw her there too, though she is alive. He said that he saw something in me that he hadn’t seen in another before which was that I was afraid of losing my parents so much that I had pacted with myself to die with them. This surprised me as my relationship with my parents is probably like yours, if not worse. However I am aware of the subconscious and the conscious minds and how easy it is to be out of touch so it could be quite likely. I shared my surprise with him, but just because it sounds unlikely I am certainly not going to ignore the idea.

Karma Balance

He had me lie on his futon and he listened to my body, he told me that I was trying to pay off my karma too fast (doing too much basically) and that it was killing me, literally, he also told me that CHRISTINE DOESN’T GET ENOUGH FUN, at first I waffled and almost disagreed but NO he was right, CHRISTINE DOESN’T GET ENOUGH FUN and we have to work on this. Well, I wasn’t going to argue with that. Maybe we should all say it together _______ DOESN’T GET ENOUGH FUN. Its sort of fun just to do that, say it loud and proud!

He then had me think of three people that I had helped, to my detriment, and we did a little ceremony to loosen the karmic agreements. His hands felt cold when he touched me, which was nice because my sickly body is all hot and needs cooling. He moved his hands about over my body and I could hear my intestines growling, my poor body, but it felt better – as if everything was loosening up a bit and feeling more comfortable.

There Was A Lot More To This

But hey, I was in the middle of it and not taking notes. However, I have decided to work further with my medicine man because I absolutely agree with his philosophy which I haven’t really described yet, but will tell you as things unfold. Also, I just felt better after seeing him. He made me promise to dance wildly for at least 10-15 mins per day, so that sounds doable, maybe we should all do it together. He also gave me a liquid drink called Xango, actually he didn’t give it to me, but sold it to me. Medicine man told me that he doesn’t add any markup and I loved him for that. You have no idea how creepy it is when people are trying to sell you something that ‘might help’ cure you, and they are doing this as a living, I am 600% more likely to believe someone when they say something works if they are not making any money out of it.

Back To Guerneville

So that was it, my visit to the Medicine Man. It was almost mundane, but not. I got in my car and drove back home, I felt better that was for sure. I had started hurting driving down to Petaluma in the two usual places in my pelvis, but now there was no pain there, my body just felt more relaxed all over, and in case that sounds like no big deal, my body is usually so tense that if I touch my torso it feels like something solid (and I’m not talking washboard abs) as if concrete has replaced all the air that usually resides in the torso. He asked me to call him around March 10 or so to see what our next step will be. I will be doing that my medicine man.

One More Thing to Be Grateful For

I shouldn’ t have waited until this far down it the blogg to tell you that shortly after I began my session with Medicine Man he told me that Saskia has paid for the session. You have no idea how surprised I was. I know Saskia is not rich, in fact she needs all the help she can get with her dog rescue mission. But, still I accepted the gift. I am constantly amazed at the kindness of strangers (if indeed they can be called that.) I am amazed that people help me this way, over and over. And I am grateful for it. Saskia you are one of my angels. Damn it now I have to live!

ANYONE WANNA DO SOME CRAZY DANCING?

Great Link

Read this this morning, and it resonated on so many levels. Its a great article and answers some of the questions I had yesterday (about Erbitux – what it does if it doesn’t prolong life and why doesn’t eradicating tumors do that).

However, it mentions at some point in this article that patients are unwilling to undertake clinical trials. In my personal experience many patients are willing, if not eager, to try out trials but each doctor, except one, that I have mentioned clinical trial to has poo pooed the idea and not helped me go any further into the process.

http://money.cnn.com/magazines/fortune/fortune_archive/2004/03/22/365076/index.htm

Back to School

Well, Friday came around and time for my next ‘chemo teach’ session. This is my fourth – it wasn’t my favorite, though I’m not sure I remember the other three. I felt pretty awful that morning, I had done my show from 7-9 a.m. and immediately upon leaving the studio I threw up (notice my body waited until the show was over, radio really is therapy for me). The night before I had thrown up six times, but that was after I took the morphine. It seems that the pains are not going away as I thought, they are not there all the time but enough that it is interrupting my life. The morphine didn’t seem to have any additional effect to the Endocet, but maybe in time I will change my mind about that. Anyway, back to the meeting with the nurse.

I felt like ****, was cold and hot, like a 300-year-old woman (or thing), and pain was coming over me in waves. A nurse gave me a blanket to cover me while I was cold, then the nurse practitioner came in. So, most of the stuff had already been covered. But we had to cover the side effects, which in this case was acne, they even had photos of someones acne to show as an example. It didn’t look too bad, it actually made me laugh looking at it, I thought of people in a plastic surgeons office getting their pictures of perky breasts and younger faces and the oncologists patients getting pictures of bald and acned people, well I thought it was funny.

However its the nausea I have trouble with, it scares me throwing up when I live alone, I am more afraid of dying choking on my own vomit than dying of cancer. It seems some of the nausea drugs make me sick, but medical personnel tell me ‘no way.’ Anyway I look at the photos of the acne and ask the nurse if I can’t have a shorter infusion rather than the four hour one they have set up. “Oh, that so that the Erbitux can go in, it has to be put in slowly (like the Avastin I had last time), and in time that will be quicker – if you don’t react adversely to it”. Well, in that case I will not react adversely to it. Also she said something about seeing me every week. (Note to self, follow up on this.)

OK so I lose the bid to get a short infusion. I’m trying to take control of my health and ask all the right questions so the next one I ask is – (and this is difficult because you are sort of confronting the authority figures) – well I saw Erbitux’s own website and they said it doesn’t extend life, so whats the point, what will it do? Nurse was nice about it and said something I don’t recall clearly and also that it makes tumors smaller which makes people more comfortable but they don’t know if it prolongs life (this I don’t understand, if the tumors are getting smaller why wouldn’t that extend life, theres stuff I don’t know here). So, shrinking tumors sounded good enough to shut me up, mine hurts me so much now I will go through chemo to stop it! I would have asked more questions if I was feeling like a human being, but I feel pretty proud I at least got those questions and comments out, have to make sure I feel in control of all my health care.

Real Help

So, the last time I saw my doctor I asked him about caretakers and whether he had to sign off on getting one, as I know with Medicare/Medical someone is going to have to sign off on something. He said no and that that was something I had to take care of myself. Sheesh, that worried me, so I asked again – the nurse this time. And lucky me that the nurse has a developmentally delayed child who had to use In Home Support Services so she gave me their info. By all accounts Medical will pay for it (and hopefully my Medicare will as its paid for by Medical) and I choose the person I want to be my caretaker and they will get reimbursed at minimum wage. Well, its hope, so I am pleased. I hope not to need anyone for long but I can’t ignore my situation and its becoming apparent that I need help. So, Monday I will call In Home Support Services and see if I can’t make things better for myself.

Different Routine

My nurse practitioner suggested that I deal with the pain by taking one of my Endocet pills every three or four hours (rather than as needed). This I have done today and it seems to be a good thing. I took the dogs (I have one visiting a cattle dog called Meka) to the beach and threw the frisbee for thirty minutes (well, I thought it was thirty Meka would tell you that it was only three minutes, she can’t get enough). After frisbee we walked home through Main Street.

We walked past Pat’s Restaurant which is my favorite diner. They give Simon a bag of milk bones when he walks by on our morning walks (if he can get eye contract with the waitress that is.) This day I walked the dogs on by and I could see Donna (who is Simons biggest fan,) was there but didn’t know if she had seen Simon (I don’t always want him to stop, he has a weight problem and shouldn’t be eating so much) so I walked on by, Simon was pulling enough to leave marks on his neck, he was adamant about getting back to Pats! But, I’m the boss and on I go – it takes about two minutes to get Simon to walk straight rather than turned backwards, facing Pats, standing firm waiting for his treats. About a block and a half later I see someone I know and stop to talk to them, when at the same time I hear “simon” shouted and around the block comes Donna! She had run all that distance to give my guy his bones. This is one of the reasons I love Guerneville so much, the community is so open and loving. This is the small town I always dreamed existed. I know now that places like this are rare and I appreciate it so much for that. Life and people would be healthier if there was more community spirit out there, this I know for sure.

Clap Clap I Ate Healthily

After that I had to go back to Pats for breakfast. But help, their menu is full of delicious but not very healthy items?? But things were on my side because as I sat down I saw that the people next to me had ordered a fruitcup. I knew they Pats had one on their menu but didn’t think it was the season, so I had a fruitcup too. And, just because I felt so good, I also ordered poached eggs on toast, which comes with some more fruit. Being in pain is a good motivator to change your behavior. Maybe I should write a book about that.

Point is that I felt well enough to eat all that. This is the second time I have eaten in five days and the previous time I threw up shortly after. This time it has been down for about three hours and I feel fine, and healthy. So, regular painkillers it is until my tumor behaves itself.