The Gathering Happens

Well, Monday came around and my big meeting/gathering is to happen, but I felt awful physically, taking morphine only dulled the pain, I was vomiting and just felt so weak that I called Beth early afternoon and told her I wasn’t sure I could make it to my own meeting! Beth ran to the rescue and called Pam who came around to sit with me, then Beth arrived and we shared our company for some time. Just having the company felt good, there was an opportunity to give my attention to something other than my body and its pains. It was decided that the sensible thing to do was for my to rest and allow the meeting to go on without me as I healed at home.

How Could I Do That?

So, it was the right decision, Beth said that I would probably get tired just from getting dressed and I knew just what she meant, so I made the sensible decision and Pam and Beth left to organize the meeting more as I snuggled back into bed. It was after 4 then and I lay down and relaxed, feeling so much better from just having the company. I lay and thought and wondered about this meeting that I had looked forward to for so long and so many times, and if I didn’t get to this meeting when would I get another opportunity?

Well, I convinced myself to give it a try. I got dressed, well – that wasn’t too bad, didn’t get too dizzy so I thought I would call Noel and see if she could pick me up, but the cell wouldn’t pick up. Then I thought I would just go for it. I would walk, with Simon, down to the resort. If I made it and was too tired then I could get a ride back but if I made it and wasn’t too tired then I would have my gathering!

Gathering Awaits

So there it was, the Boathouse. It took some searching for; that New Dawn resort is a lot larger than I knew. But the Boathouse was found, attendees in place and me there too . . . not too tired, in fact a little hungry, in fact very hungry! But I waited for a while. I looked around the room and saw some people I knew, other people I had never seen before and wondered again about the beauty of the human spirit, I almost didn’t want to make eye contact I felt unworthy. The gathering was in process when I arrived with people speaking of how they felt, why they were there, what had led to their being there. For me it was very moving and I looked around the room at all the wonderful people who had volunteered to come and help me on this strange journey I’m on. How can you just say thank you for that? What can you do? I am going to open myself up as much as I can so we can all become the big family that I know we all need in our lives, I want to like and love to the fullest, not just politely, I want to warmly welcome all of my new family in, not politely tell them “perhaps another time” a love that they are showing deserves the best that I can give back and I am going to go for giving quality to my new gang of angels.

So Much Was Done

So, indeed much was done at the gathering, the way the system works was described, then people listed their talents and times they were available. It turns out that I have people willing to help me with: laundry, housecleaning, driving to chemo, massage, insurance, cooking, walking the dog, and keeping me company when I am getting cabin fever. We talked about my cancer situation, some of which I am completely unsure about. My friend Robert made a good point when he mentioned that we were spending a lot of time talking about my dying, and he didn’t think that I was ready for that yet. This was good to bring up, because in some ways I feel the same as Robert. However, after at least three weeks of abject pain I have had to look a little closer at my mortality and while this could end up being an infection from my uti bugs and just go away (that would be wonderful!), this also could very likely be the cancer in my torso they mentioned in the last Pet Scan. I have to admit thoughts of death came to me many times in these past few weeks – that I was at a near-death situation, the pain was just too inhumane. Now I look in the mirror and know that I better take care of my paperwork while I still am conscious enough to! And believe me, I have a smile on my face today because I have a new gang of angels who will help me through this. I am praying for remission though, that is what I want – but this darned cancer just loves me and has a hard time leaving.

Today is Thursday and I was hoping for a third day free of ‘hurling’ but today had me throwing up about three times, and I missed my eating window also. I woke up hungry but lay in bed so my appetite left. Never mind, I definitely feel stronger than yesterday, but I have a ways to go and I know I am still losing weight.

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