Archive for the ‘Morphine’ Tag

That Darned Pain

Well, it seems like the pain might be toning down a bit, but I’m not sure. Today I took about four droppers full of morphine, and still I felt twinges. I wanted to go to the Strawberry Festival that KGGV put on today, its a major event for us and I didn’t even volunteer to help prepare (because I’m feeling sick so much of the time these days) I got up and took a quick walk with Simon this morning. He made the walk short himself, he just turned around and pulled me back home. ‘

I lay around with the computer for a while, around noon I thought I was ready to go to the festival so I walked on down, I made it about a block, I had to lean against the library to compose myself I was in such pain. So I put it off for a while, went back home, lay down, then did some more morphine which did the trick as far as giving me the confidence that I could make it to the festival.

The Strawberry Festival

There was a live broadcast going on which sounded great, very good recordings to whomever set that up. Blues Daddys, Thugz, Peggy Day and the Gypsy Nights, Midnight Ramblers, KGGV All Stars and a trio who were incredibly good and in fact a sextet from someone’s description Greg Hessler I think. And an accordionist who played between sets and was a blast. I made it there at around 4 thirty I think. I shuffled over to the chocolate fountain looking at it lovingly but remembering the mantra “cancer loves sugar” well, that took care of most of the food, but I grabbed myself a few sticks of strawberry kabobs and ate them unadulterated which was fabulous, all organic too, the local health store Food for Humans donated all the strawberrys – thank you Food for Humans. Everyone looked to be having the greatest time, including me even though I did feel twice removed because of the morphine I expect. Got a photo from the Ranger of me holding the reins of some fleeing horses in our Wild West flashback photo stand. I will treasure that.

I spoke to Hunter while I was there. Hunter hosts a show at KGGV about dealing with aids, excellent show. Hunter and I talked about the Mr. Leather contest he attended in Chicago. He came in 23rd in the WORLD. Hunter is 63 but they had the audacity to ask him whether he had a problem communicating with the youngsters out there. What a strange question and it says a lot about the guy asking it. I’m quite sure that Hunter could have spoken to the youngest contestant there about leather alone for 40 mins no problem. Anyway YAY to you Hunter and for speaking out for all 63 y.o.s (how ancient). Spent some time with Robert also at the festival, we talked about the meeting coming up for me – the meeting will be on Monday evening and everyone that wants to be part of the organization to support me who can be there will be there. Robert was telling me that physically he can’t make it, but reassuring me that he will be part of the group. Definitely Robert has been the person in Guerneville that I have been calling when I want someone to do things with. Thanks Robert.

Pain

There it is again, thats how it is with me too . . . sometimes nothing then ouch ouch ouch, sometimes I scream what the heck, stop it stop it stop it. And then it goes away. Or I hope it does, sometimes it stays around for hours on end. It seems like weeks now that I have been dealing with this pain and I don’t like that. I doesn’t sound like gas to me but might be some digestive upset. I was going to ask my doctors about it but I slept through my chemo appointment on Friday (I lay down around ten fortyfive a.m. and woke up around five in the evening) It seems that any day after taking the morphine I am sleepy all the time. I don’t like this as its not healthy but I can’t move around with this pain anyway. I think on Monday I should go to my local general doctor and see if I can get a test for a urinary tract infection or something that might explain whats going on in my insides.

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Working on that Gas

Well, another day with quite a bit of pain in it. Maybe I asked for it at first, I drove down to Monte Rio to have breakfast at a cheap breakfast place I go to sometimes. I didn’t eat too much; eggs and toast essentially, gave the rest to Simon (dog). Had an orange juice too, that was GOOD. Afterwards I walked with Simon on Monte Rio beach, that was nice – there were many ducks around and Simon behaved himself by not chasing any of them.

Well, so far no pain, just a bruised feeling left over from last night. After breakfast I dropped into Safeway and bought myself some Gas-X. It took a few hours before pain of any amount came on so at that point I took the Gas-X, I mean if this is caused by gas then I would be stupid not to try and get rid of it the easy way I took a dose of 2 capsules (their daily limit) but noticed no difference. Over the next hour I took another one but it made no difference, I ended up taking 4 but by then I had taken so much morphine and smoked more joints so who knows about any difference it might have made.

Morphine Dosage

So I was at the point where I was hurting, feeling pissed off and desperate and reached for the morphine. I took two droppers full which should have been more than one dose. No effect, this is pretty frightening, when the pain killers don’t work you know you are in for a bumpy ride. I rolled another joint, that helped a little – sometimes I think its the ritual – but still I returned for more morphine and now am, while not in pain, in discomfort. I am trying not to lie down so much either, I think it makes me more nauseous. What keeps me going with this though is them telling me it wasn’t caused by my cancer (because the tumors aren’t where the pain is.) I have a feeling this pain might be connected to my belly button problem.

Plans for the Meeting

Beth called me again and we went over more about the meeting to come (where everyone who agreed to help me as my sickness progresses gathers together to meet for the first and only time.) It will be held in a room in a resort in town, the Dawn Roadhouse I think.

I am so looking forward to this meeting, I feel like I am just arriving at Guerneville for the first time and have the chance to meet all those people that I have, to date, only seen. Vidya might be able to attend telephonically (its a 90 min drive from the Bay Area!) so it looks like things will just fall into place, I hope so anyway for Beth’s sake. Beth is going through some stresses of her own too, with family moving in with her, so prayers for Beth who has been my guardian angel through this.

Community Church

Well, I’m still going to the Church, and feel very comfortable there. I wish I knew the tunes to some of the hymns but thats my only complaint! It is a nice experience to go there, sing hymns, listen to the sermon, hug and introduce myself to other members and afterwards we all eat a meal which another church member brings! It’s very loving and very down to earth. Last week I took my meal and sat by the KGGV garden which Peter and Damien and others have been lovingly tending. I love gardens, don’t you?

Got My CT Scan Results

Well, I went in on Wednesday, after drinking my chalky vanilla and chalky banana flavored drinks, I shouldn’t complain they certainly could taste worse, I hear the pina colada flavor is the best. Did my ct scan at 8 a.m. so that the fast wouldn’t bother me too much, and it didn’t. So I think I was out of there by 8:45 a.m. and off to home. But before I went home I stopped off at the Parkside Cafe for breakfast, I remember going there with Vidya recently and ordering something wonderful and healthy, but for the life of me couldn’t find it again on the menu so I ordered eggs, which I shouldn’t have, but they tasted great regardless.

And Then The Pains Came Back

Wednesday I started getting pains in my abdomen and pelvis again, so bad that I took my pain meds. At this time I had incredible constipation so I was loathe to do it (the pain meds make the constipation worse), but there is something in the convincing nature of pain that makes you act to stop it. Wednesday was mostly spent in bed, Thursday too . . .. Thursday it got so bad I reached for the morphine. Don’t know what it is about that morphine but I can’t get the dose right. It said to take 1.25 ml (very little amount) but that didn’t make any difference so I took about .75 ml more and that didn’t do anything either so I added another couple of 25 mls, no difference. At this point with the pain and fear I just lay there, David came around and put a heat pad on me that helped some, but I was confused about my meds and what I could take/mix between the Endocet and the Morphine. It was too late to call the doctors office.

I spent quite a bit of time crying too, not only because it hurt, but because this time it feels like the cancer has come back and I was so sure that the medicine man had ‘cured’ it, I know there was some effect from him but it seems the cancer is monstrous in its need to fight back.

Another of “Those” Phone Calls

So, Friday arrives and its time for me to go to chemo, but after two days in bed with awful pain I knew I wasn’t strong enough to cope with it so I called up the office, told them my situation, and asked if they could call with my ct scan results. A few hours later I got my call, OK not to do the chemo, but without going into any details the cancer has grown. This really gets to me, knowing that it was a ct scan rather than a pet scan too, where more detail is show, this growth must be quite noticeable.

I held myself together though and listened to the nurse tell me how they would schedule a visit with the doctor so he could go over the new results, give me another chemo option (please god no more chemo) and get another pain killer for me (they are talking patches now). When I hung up I cried. I guess this is good, so many times I have thought about my cancer and very seldom have I actually cried about my situation. But, where to now. I know I don’t want to do any more chemo, it is too brutal and it doesn’t work for me. I would love to go to Dr. Slavin but I am very far from having the money for this procedure.

Oleander Soup

Before getting my result from the ct scan I had already ordered some Oleander from Sutherland OPC http://www.sutherlandiaopc.com. It seemed reasonable in price, $45 Including shipping) for what normally would be a months supply but as I am further on it will be about $135 a month, very affordable (comparatively). I am to start a liver cleanse before starting the oleander.

Oleander is supposedly very effective in ‘curing’ HIV also, there is a clinical trial showing amazing effects, I will get it onto this site as this should be another tool in any cancer fighting package. Oleander has been around as a cancer ‘cure’ for about 5000 years, can be very toxic and there is certainly a way you can make your own oleander concoction but its complex and I would rather have someone else go through all that palaver. I mention that you can make your own concoction as at this point in my journey I have severe cynicism about buying pre-packaged expensive ‘miracle cures.’

Handwriting Analysis

Well, for fun I had noticed on a local bulletin board that there was a handwriting analyst who wanted people to write to her, she was preparing a book and wanted a variety of samples. I love attention and free analysis so I emailed her and she agreed to take me on. I was to list my issues in a letter to her. So I listed my inability to find a date over decades and she gave me some advice about changing my handwriting to change my ways (I give mixed signals by all accounts.) I also need to emotionally feed myself more (have more fun I think).

I thought her analysis was good but then she started to tell me about people she knew who had ‘cured’ themselves of cancer. This happens quite often to me, of course, its natural enough and doesn’t usually bother me. However, this time it practically made me angry, there was no asking me what I had done to help with the cancer only telling me ‘you have to follow this persons routine” you have to follow that persons routine, and I got angry with her. Didn’t help though, so I wrote down about six telephone numbers of people that I probably won’t call and I cried down the phone, she took that as a need for us to pray – she led the prayer asking God to send me people to guide me (like her I expect she meant). I expect I over reacted completely but in a way I’m glad I got angry at her, well I guess it made things more entertaining for us both.

Today its late Saturday, tomorrow I am planning (if no pain) to go to the Community church. This is a local church right next door to KGGV, they pray for me each week — Beth the station manager attends the church and Pam Tinnen the pastor works at KGGV also, in fact I heard Pam had wanted to counsel me but was unsure whether to approach me with this directly or not. For sure now I know I need some severe counseling, at this point death is a REAL option and after four days solid of pain I have to read the writing on the wall. Anyway, my medicine man told me that I needed to join a church also (for my emotional health) so I will try this out. I do hope I feel healthy enough to go. Beth also spoke about getting me organized with a system that will help me out with driving etc. I cried again, this is 100% what I need right now and I don’t know how or who to ask for help. Beth called before the handwriting analysis so it wasn’t as a result of that particular prayer, but she was certainly sent by some higher power.

Further On Well, What a Change

So, I didn’t expect it but today finds me on the path to my next chemotherapy. I guess it started on Saturday when I just felt, bad, stale, stayed in bed most of the day. I went out dancing at night, but couldn’t move much, might have been me, might have been the music – most probably me. However Sunday was horrific, I spent the night writhing in pain, I must have taken at least four of my painkillers before giving up. I was throwing up this thick greenish black stuff with coffee grinds in it (well, thats what it looked like and I got several chances to look up close). First thing Monday morning I called up and asked for a doctors appointment, sorry they said “the doctor is busy” you can’t see him until May (!!what!!). So I asked for an appointment with a nurse, who called me back first and actually got me an appointment with the doctor that day (see, its all a con).

Forward Into The Past

So I crawl into the oncologists office. At this point I have taken another couple of painkillers and these kicked in so I’m feeling vaguely human. Still, once in the office I start crying while talking with the doctor. He did explain some things for me. The pain, why it was so incredible – and was this the start of another stage of my cancer? This terrified me more than anything. The doctor told me that it hurt so much as one of the tumors in my liver would occasionally press against a nerve ending in the liver. Made sense to me. I asked the doctor how long he thought I had if I did nothing “months or years” was his rather vague answer, but it made me happy, even if death is in your future its a lot easier to face from a distance. Anyway, the pain had weakened me and when he broached the subject of chemotherapy I went for it. Now I wonder, the scheduler called today to schedule my first infusion which is due to last for four hours. God help me, and I mean that. At the tuition meeting I think I am going to ask the nurse if I can start at a shorter infusion and work my way up, I am definitely paranoid about chemo now. Before I left the doctor prescribed me some morphine for when I have periods like this again, hopefully not for a LONG LONG time.

More Radio More KOWS

So, my favorite therapy is radio, started off with my morning show on KGGV LP, reading stuff from the newspaper and playing big band stuff, nothing to complain about there, I had a bunch of fun. Then comes the afternoon and I am off again to KOWS for my Tuesday music show. The radio station is above a fabulous organic restaurant called Howards so I stopped by before the show and got myself a healthy juice (trying to eat right, all part of the program.)

I am trying to get better each show I do and I think this time I improved on my mic breaks. Kept myself comfortably in the green range and talked quietly. At the last staff meeting (also the first) I met Jeffrey Weissman, who is in a similar health position to myself and is soon to be a DJ on KOWS. Jeffrey is a ‘professional’ entertainer and has his own website, try it: http://www.jeffreyweissman.com should take you there. If it doesn’t let me know. Anyway I met Jeffrey at the meeting and picked his brains for advice about my mic breaks, I could tell that he didn’t really want to go there (I mean you never know how people are going to react to advice even if its solicited) but he suggested I move about less (mic not omnidirectional), don’t be afraid of a little silence, and one other thing that I forget! Anyway the point is I want to learn, I want to get better because I want to get somewhere. Or at least sound good while I’m trying. And Jeffrey, I don’t think I moved about too much while doing my mic breaks, thanks for the advice.

Dr. Slavin Works With Dr. Bozdeck

Or so I hope anyway. My oncologist said he was willing to work with Dr. Slavin, which made me happy and I’m sure Dr. Slavin would rather communicate with another doctor but sheesh this puts the procedure months into the future. Perhaps though that will give me the time I need to up my funds.

Basically All Is OK

OK, I admit it, most of the time I am pretty happy. Even though there are periods of pain for the most part I am a very lucky person, blessed with great acquaintances, friends, fabulous pets and wonderful music. A boyfriend might be nice, but there I go complaining again. Anyway while I am hacking away at this keyboard I might as well put out a request to the universe to supply me with some supportive, loving companionship to help me through these times.